Sorry I couldn't write anything because I was busy reading and tutoring.
Anyway, now let me continue from the place I left. After my realization about myself and the person I am, I gradually distanced myself from Madan and grew closer to mates who liked me for me and never pretended. There weren't many and I can count them on my fingers. But that was also a pretty intense year for me. I was pressurized from all sorts of direction, and I tried hard to endure and keep it a silent. The thing is, I came to know that I was suffering from depression, to be more precise - bipolar disorder. Back then, I knew I was just suffering from mental illness.The problem with me is I think a lot. Also, if there's any bad incident which happened to me, it always stuck like a burr in my head, I can never forget them. Even now, I still remember so many things, But the difference is that now, I decided to overlook them, knowing fully well that I will never be able to let go. On top of that I actually wrote almost all the bad as well good things in my diary.
I was friends with Madan for a while in 10 and after that when he started to give me the impressions that he didn't like Ransley and his companion, I deliberately distanced myself. However, I still wanted to be friends but he never wanted to talk to me again. And till now, he never did! I was a bit sad, to be very honest and I was able to let go of our friendship. I was able to do that only because me and Ransley were becoming quiet good friends again but I knew it won't be like what it was back in 8. I concluded that, that's because we grew up and we came to know exactly who we are.
Now, in 10 I was facing problems other than just friendship. The worst part was, I couldn't tell anyone because they would think I was mad and I endured it all by myself and had to put on a show in front of others and hid beneath a veneer of calmness. I tried to forget most of the stuff, but then I couldn't. I was so depressed, that I started hallucinating. I used to see stuff, mostly cloudy but sometimes they were clear. I couldn't sleep at night. I saw things walking around someone trying to suffocate me and thus kill me. The worst thing I saw was when a person (I think he was wearing a dark brown cloak and face was unclear with red eyes) approached me while I was sleeping (I think I was awake, it's pretty confusing in what state I was but I know that I was conscious) and he covered my mouth with his hands so that I couldn't scream and I couldn't get up. I wanted to, and when I tried it was like I couldn't pick my body up but then my spirit (or soul I guess) was sucked out of my body and I turned only to look at my face. It was really scary. It didn't happen to once but many times, the same thing.
I really have no idea what was going on. But somehow my class teacher came to know that I was disturbed. To tell you the truth, most of the times I seemed withdrawn from life and lost in my own thoughts. And sometimes I was just the opposite, I was fully of energy and confident (that explained my bipolar behavior).
Days passed by and I also had my first board exam that year, so I also had to study. Slowly I tired to help my own self because I knew I was the only person who would be able to fix myself. I was right. I did and today I am so much better. I am happy today (at least I try to be) and I've grown much stronger.
I think this will be enough for me write today. I'll continue though.
Love Always,
Bernard.
Anyway, now let me continue from the place I left. After my realization about myself and the person I am, I gradually distanced myself from Madan and grew closer to mates who liked me for me and never pretended. There weren't many and I can count them on my fingers. But that was also a pretty intense year for me. I was pressurized from all sorts of direction, and I tried hard to endure and keep it a silent. The thing is, I came to know that I was suffering from depression, to be more precise - bipolar disorder. Back then, I knew I was just suffering from mental illness.The problem with me is I think a lot. Also, if there's any bad incident which happened to me, it always stuck like a burr in my head, I can never forget them. Even now, I still remember so many things, But the difference is that now, I decided to overlook them, knowing fully well that I will never be able to let go. On top of that I actually wrote almost all the bad as well good things in my diary.
I was friends with Madan for a while in 10 and after that when he started to give me the impressions that he didn't like Ransley and his companion, I deliberately distanced myself. However, I still wanted to be friends but he never wanted to talk to me again. And till now, he never did! I was a bit sad, to be very honest and I was able to let go of our friendship. I was able to do that only because me and Ransley were becoming quiet good friends again but I knew it won't be like what it was back in 8. I concluded that, that's because we grew up and we came to know exactly who we are.
Now, in 10 I was facing problems other than just friendship. The worst part was, I couldn't tell anyone because they would think I was mad and I endured it all by myself and had to put on a show in front of others and hid beneath a veneer of calmness. I tried to forget most of the stuff, but then I couldn't. I was so depressed, that I started hallucinating. I used to see stuff, mostly cloudy but sometimes they were clear. I couldn't sleep at night. I saw things walking around someone trying to suffocate me and thus kill me. The worst thing I saw was when a person (I think he was wearing a dark brown cloak and face was unclear with red eyes) approached me while I was sleeping (I think I was awake, it's pretty confusing in what state I was but I know that I was conscious) and he covered my mouth with his hands so that I couldn't scream and I couldn't get up. I wanted to, and when I tried it was like I couldn't pick my body up but then my spirit (or soul I guess) was sucked out of my body and I turned only to look at my face. It was really scary. It didn't happen to once but many times, the same thing.
I really have no idea what was going on. But somehow my class teacher came to know that I was disturbed. To tell you the truth, most of the times I seemed withdrawn from life and lost in my own thoughts. And sometimes I was just the opposite, I was fully of energy and confident (that explained my bipolar behavior).
Days passed by and I also had my first board exam that year, so I also had to study. Slowly I tired to help my own self because I knew I was the only person who would be able to fix myself. I was right. I did and today I am so much better. I am happy today (at least I try to be) and I've grown much stronger.
I think this will be enough for me write today. I'll continue though.
Love Always,
Bernard.
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