Blue Valentine and Marriage on the rocks.

Today, I've actually got some time and watched the movie called Blue Valentine. It stars Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams. I thing, which I can say without any doubt is that they've given their career defining performances! They were really good. The movie actually has a lot of levels for both of them which gives them an opportunity to display their acting skills and talent.

The script and the performances of the primary actors are reason enough to watch the film. The direction is also quiet sensitive. The narration of the movie too, I found to be innovative. The story is quiet simple and thus makes it even more ironically intense. I've really seen some movies where they have a simple plot (nothing quiet special) but they somehow make it intense with the performances of the actors.

So this film is about a relationship which springs out of a 'love at first sight' between Cindy (Williams) and Dean (Gosling). The film has it's own way to proceed by contrasting the past with the present. I found this to be genius because this compels the story to be quiet interesting and less boring. These type of movies can suffer with the slow pacing, but this was perfectly alright. At present, their marriage is on the rocks and they a daughter, I think around 5 or 6 years. The daughter was actually not planned. They both decide to marry after Cindy becomes pregnant and they both have a different outlook on life.

I really won't spoil how the movies ends but all I will say is that the it was heartbreaking. I felt more bad for their daughter than anyone else. And that's how I got my today's subject for this post.

Now, if you're married and you think that the whole marriage thing was a mistake and all, you really need to think for days. Every married couple at one point has to face this kind of situation. That's when they're tested, may be by God, if you believe in God. That's when you really have to be careful and extricate yourself from that situation. YOU HAVE TO TRY HARD! You can't just wait for one another. You have to spark the fire back again. If it's possible, both of you mutually decide to isolate yourselves, may be for a week. During that period think about what would happen to others like your children if you have. You'll see that you'll begin to miss each other and that has to happen. If it doesn't that means you are guilty of something which you need to clear out. Try and save your relationship and marriage. Divorce might look as a solution in the short run, but always remember it will haunt you and will have an impact in the long run.

I think that all I have to say now. I'll be thinking how to improve on my posts. Hopefully, I'll be better and better with each time I write!

Have a nice day or a good night!

Love Always,
Bernard.

The Catcher In The Rye And Curing Mental Disorder

So, I've read this book called The Cather In The Rye, by J.D. Salinger.

The beginning is a bit slow. But eventually it becomes a slow drug. I don't know. What I've concluded is that not everyone will like that book. The reason why, is because it's very different and you need patience to read. (If you're struggling with 'Patience' then please read my last post). It is an amazing character study. Once you have finished reading, your thoughts might actually be influenced by the thoughts of Holden Caulfield (the main character in the book). The book is written in first person, so you can actually know what Holden is thinking. It's really different. A lot of you might think the book might be like The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, but trust me it's not! It's way different than that! Personally, I like the latter book more, but you cannot really judge! Because The Catcher In The Rye was published much before The Perks Of Being A Wallflower. And apparently Charlie from The Perks Of Being A Wallflower also likes The Catcher In The Rye.

I think you should read the book, once. If you're not a fan of a slow pacing book, then you can always borrow one. I bought it. I really wanted to buy the book. But I didn't get a new copy, I got a second hand copy. The pages have a strong yellowish tinge, but I didn't mind! I just wanted to read it. If you know me personally I could give you my copy to read. But I know, that's not going to happen in a while. I really liked the way how Holden thought. But yes, I can tell why that book is frequently challenged book. I don't want to spoil any incident of the book. To know it, you must read. Now don't be so lazy.

Anyway, It's mostly about the incidents which follows when he gets thrown out of the school. To put it in more school appropriate terms, he was expelled and he obviously had mental disorder. I mean all the mental disorder people thinks different than normal persons. That's what makes them a bit more special. They see the world in a different light than what normal people see. And when they learn how to put all that negativity to do something positive, they can create wonders! If you are one and you are undiagnosed. Let me tell you, something- there's nothing wrong with you. If you don't have any friends, I can be your friend. You're gifted! You're not like anyone in the world, which is a good thing. If everyone were the same, then everyone would have been like Einstein at some point.

So keep embracing yourself! Try to put the negativity into something positive. Like for example, when I'm sad I usually write, and sometimes I write songs. They turn out to be good, I'm not boasting or anything. I'm just giving you an example. You have to find it, by the way, how can you put all that negativity! Find that positive thing, and you'll realize how special you are!

Love Always,
Bernard.

Patience, Purpose and Creating Oneself!

Alright, So I've been a bit lazy these days I guess. And So I've been withdrawn from this blog. You know what actually, there has been a lot going on lately, which I don't want to discuss all at once here and now. Because, you know I'm in a place from where I cannot really open up, I mean it's not right.

Anyway, I got to learn a few things, which are mostly important. I've learned that people are sometimes stubborn, and they do not in whatsoever way would like to get below you. Once they do, or may be you have climbed socially above or something you've done is good that puts you higher, then they'll go made, literally, and drive everybody around insane. The thing is, people should have PATIENCE! If you are impatient and you cannot wait then I'm really sorry to say but you have to forcefully infuse into yourself. It can be personally or by someone's help. But make sure that no outsider has to do that. If the person is your family member then it's alright, and fine. And i should be like that. But never make it too late, that someone who's totally insignificant in your life has to shout and inject in you PATIENCE! The thorns of impatient by the way are pretty bad! A lot of you might have experienced it and it's okay to have at least once, but please don't get used to it. I have gone through that too, but I really had to teach myself to wait patiently for something.

The important thing is - WE SHOULD NEVER EXPECT RETURNS FROM EVERYTHING WE GET! If we expect returns from everything we do, we will only be disappointed! So, try and be as ignorant as possible initially, and you'll see once you get returns, you'll be really very happy! The thing is if you expect nothing, but you get something, it will only lead to your merriment. But imagine if you're expecting something big and you don't get anything close to it, you can very well imagine the disappointment that will follow.

The other thing I learned is that, which I've already told you. To find yourself in life but more importantly is to create yourself in life. Now, don't take this otherwise, but don't create yourself into a monster or someone dangerous. Make yourself useful. You can do that even without all the nonsense. Also, be realistic and a bit sensible!

You know, I still remember in grade 3, my class teacher put up a placard in class which said "EVERYBODY COUNTS" and no one knew what it actually meant. She then explained "It means that we are all important".  That really helped me. I mean I was never able to let go that! Now, in addition to that you also have to make yourself count. Once you know that you're doing the right thing, go ahead. Make sure you take amble time before making your decision. Don't stop once you start doing that!

Also, NEVER BE AFRAID TO BE YOURSELF! Even if people hates you, you should overlook that! Once you achieve what you're trying too, you'll see how many people likes you. I guess, I don't have to give any examples of people who went through harsh times and then reached the peak and finally is loved by many. Be that kind of person. More, appropriately BE YOURSELF.

Love Always,
Bernard.

P.S. IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO DO THE RIGHT THING!

Hobbies And Bipolarity

I'm quiet busy these days. The thing is, I'm deliberately keeping myself busy. I have a lot of free time. Most of my friends are either studying or doing something. My science friends, including Ransley, are studying for their Joint Entrance (Competitive, I guess) exams, so that they can get into good science college and my commerce friends they're studying for Chartered Accountancy (CPT) and all. If you ask me why I am not studying? I have a very simple answer - clearly I don't want to study Accounts or become Chartered Accountant. My interest lies in Entertainment Business like Movies, Music and TV. My dream is to direct a movie one day. I can be a good actor too and a mediocre singer. I sometimes write songs, I mean I usually write songs when I'm feeling sad or extremely happy. When I'm sad, the song turns out really good and I'm proud of it eventually. But when I'm extremely happy, the song turns out to be really corny, but then I tell myself 'That's what pop music is about'. No seriously they're not that great. Yet, I still love singing and acting and writing songs. So basically my hobbies are singing, song writing, reading and listening to music. I even made a music video and I was the sole producer, director and editor. I uploaded that on facebook, and it got pretty good response, although it wasn't really good. The reason why I felt it wasn't that great because my sister was the one in the music video and she kept herself inside a bubble from which she didn't wanted to step out. I think she didn't trust me or something. I went along with her anyway, because it was really fun making it. Me and my cousins also made a cameo appearance in the video. And apparently everyone in my family saw the video and they liked it!

My sister loves Selena Gomez so we did the music video on 'Love You Like A Love Song'. I'm also making my first movie called - A journey Called Xavier's. Probably I'll release it sometime at the end of May. It's a documentary film about my school and focuses mostly on the last few days in school. I shot in school mostly and since I was too shy, I couldn't get enough footage. However one of my classmates who's also aspiring to become a director, told me he'll give me the footage which I missed. So hopefully it will be good. My friends and classmates were actually quiet surprise to see my stint. Actually no one believed in me that even I can do something. Again, I believe I was too quiet. I'm still quiet even now. Just the fact is I'm bipolar! It get's in my way every single time. Only my close relatives and friends know what a crazy person I am. At a party, I can dance till the end of the world! It's like I'm a completely different Avatar.

Some people are SHOCKED to see me like that! And they think how terrible I must be, in fact a hypocrite. I can understand this when I look at their faces. They seriously think I'm a wolf in sheep's clothing. I never explain anything about the disorder I'm suffering because I know that it won't matter much in my life, hopefully! Sometimes I really do laugh at this. It's funny to me. I guess, this is how everything works for a person like me. I'm actually glad because in this way i can behave appropriately at every place. I can be quiet at places where I'm supposed to be and can act crazy in a club or something. Once I start being crazy (in a good way), it becomes pretty hard to stop me. I enjoy it, though.

I also read books. Lately, I've been taken into reading. I just finished reading The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and started reading The Catcher in The Rye. I'll review them most probably later. I've also read The Hunger Games trilogy and The Hobbit. I'm a big fan of The Hunger Games but not of The Hobbit. Anyways it was still a good read. I'll talk about these books, don't worry.

Till then, Bye.

Love Always,
Bernard.

Hallucination and Depression (Growing Up Contd)

Sorry I couldn't write anything because I was busy reading and tutoring.
 Anyway, now let me continue from the place I left. After my realization about myself and the person I am, I gradually distanced myself from Madan and grew closer to mates who liked me for me and never pretended. There weren't many and I can count them on my fingers. But that was also a pretty intense year for me. I was pressurized from all sorts of direction, and I tried hard to endure and keep it a silent. The thing is, I came to know that I was suffering from depression, to be more precise - bipolar disorder. Back then, I knew I was just suffering from mental illness.The problem with me is I think a lot. Also, if there's any bad incident which happened to me, it always stuck like a burr in my head, I can never forget them. Even now, I still remember so many things, But the difference is that now, I decided to overlook them, knowing fully well that I will never be able to let go. On top of that I actually wrote almost all the bad as well good things in my diary.

I was friends with Madan for a while in 10 and after that when he started to give me the impressions that he didn't like Ransley and his companion, I deliberately distanced myself. However, I still wanted to be friends but he never wanted to talk to me again. And till now, he never did! I was a bit sad, to be very honest and I was able to let go of our friendship. I was able to do that only because me and Ransley were becoming quiet good friends again but I knew it won't be like what it was back in 8. I concluded that, that's because we grew up and we came to know exactly who we are.

Now, in 10 I was facing problems other than just friendship. The worst part was, I couldn't tell anyone because they would think I was mad and I endured it all by myself and had to put on a show in front of others and hid beneath a veneer of calmness. I tried to forget most of the stuff, but then I couldn't.  I was so depressed, that I started hallucinating. I used to see stuff, mostly cloudy but sometimes they were clear. I couldn't sleep at night. I saw things walking around someone trying to suffocate me and thus kill me. The worst thing I saw was when a person (I think he was wearing a dark brown cloak and face was unclear with red eyes) approached me while I was sleeping (I think I was awake, it's pretty confusing in what state I was but I know that I was conscious) and he covered my mouth with his hands so that I couldn't scream and I couldn't get up. I wanted to, and when I tried it was like I couldn't pick my body up but then my spirit (or soul I guess) was sucked out of my body and I turned only to look at my face. It was really scary. It didn't happen to once but many times, the same thing.

I really have no idea what was going on. But somehow my class teacher came to know that I was disturbed. To tell you the truth, most of the times I seemed withdrawn from life and lost in my own thoughts. And sometimes I was just the opposite, I was fully of energy and confident (that explained my bipolar behavior).
Days passed by and I also had my first board exam that year, so I also had to study. Slowly I tired to help my own self because I knew I was the only person who would be able to fix myself. I was right. I did and today I am so much better. I am happy today (at least I try to be) and I've grown much stronger.

I think this will be enough for me write today. I'll continue though.

Love Always,
Bernard.

HAPPY EASTER!

Happy Easter Everyone!

May The risen Lord bless you and your family. Believe in HIM and Have FAITH.

You should always have faith in God. Always remember that whatever happens in life, happens for a REASON. God knows exactly about you. We should all surrender ourselves because God has a much better and bigger plan for us than what we have for ourselves.

There might be some atheists out there and to whom I also suggest to believe that whatever happens in life always happens for a reason.

Have a nice day.

Love Always,
Bernard.

Hypocrisy

Look around you. What do you see? You might see a lot of things and a lot of people. But there's one thing that is all pervading and that is - HYPOCRISY!

Hypocrisy always bothered me. It bother's me more because I actually get to know people who're hypocrites. I don't know whether you all can catch hypocrisy or not but I can tell you that I can. First I thought it's a gift I possess to know what people truly thinks but then it becomes weird.

I have a lot of people whom I know are hypocrites. Most people, like my friends, pretend to like me just for the things they get out of me. I'm helpful, whenever people wants some help I help them. Like my classmates wants some notes from me or something like of that kind. It might be hard to believe but in class I had the best handwriting and also the one who took down every note till the last bit. And just before exams people, whom I didn't even know or talk to came to me and asked my notes. Well, it usually starts with me saying a clear 'No!' but then they all put up a 'puupy dog' face and finally say 'Ok!'.

Some of my classmates practically teased me and tried to make my life miserable also came to me during their time when they needed help. So I helped. After a week, they belonged where they were and I to mine.I tried really hard not to bother about these or even brood over these silly things. Sometimes I thought that whether I was being an hypocrite for giving them the help they needed. I really thought I was. But then I came to the conclusion 'No! Of course not!' I was just being me. It's me who really helps and I don't care what the person did to me months, weeks, days or years ago. I'll just do my part of job. Someone told me, that I should to my part of the job being myself. I shouldn't care about others. Besides, I really like helping people.

There are also some people who hated me but after doing something good for them, they change their attitude towards me. Although sometimes they don't want to act all nice to me but they still do. I come to know that too and I really appreciate that. So to keep in somewhat good terms with them I ignore them, most of the times and I say nothing to them. Also after a long time of ignorance they start to think that I'm arrogant and I'm too proud. But only I know and some of my close friends know, what it is. There's problem everywhere and in everything I do, I guess. I try to shape and mould my thoughts subsequently and according to the given situation. And I think you should do too.

If we do something nice, the act may be small, but still it is good nonetheless, you will be rewarded. At the end, it will make you happy! Just be patient and that's all. Continue to be kind and nice to others even when they try to hurt you. I'm sure one day they'll realize you're worth. We are so much more than what we think. And we accept the love we think we deserve, when in reality we deserve more.

Love Always,
Bernard.

P.S. I'll tell you what happen to my friendship later, I really wanted to write this article soon!